Chapter 27: A deliberate inaction is better than a blind action – Part 2

At the same time, sexual intimacy does a lot to bring two people closer, both physically and emotionally. Even the most straight-laced traditionalists will admit that intercourse can help strengthen or perfect the relationship. It functions as glue to keep together a couple while they collaborate in bringing up their offspring.[1] Then, a good shag can contribute to main­taining the cohesion within a couple in various ways, for example by preserving the necessity of romance, by easing the natural irritation of living in close quarters with another person, or by fostering familiarity, receptiveness, and forgiveness.[2] Thanks to sex, fond­lers (who do not necessarily have to be parents) feel more connected to each other, be it through the amo­­rous exchange of compliments during foreplay, the time spent both bodies entangled in one another or the post-coital pillow talk.[3] Moreover, as soon as true love is involved, phy­sical contact facilitates the expression of that love, which thereby acquires depth and intensity. Even if the sexual act does not ultimately lead to a partnership in the long term, both actors know one another better than the rest of the world ever will. These argu­ments may also explain why some people claim that sex is better with someone we love. In their opinion, the most gratifying sex is the product of the “kind of mind-body con­nection that comes from good communication, lower inhibitions, and less pressure to be perfect”.[4]

As elucidated in other chapters, this emotional interconnectedness results from the release of hormones (specifically, oxytocin) during sex, which trigger feelings such as affection, trust, bonding desires, romantic attachment, etc. In other words, human biology rewards us for our effort to seek arousal and intimacy with a healthy dose of well-being.[5] These brain chemi­cals are responsible for the good mood that people experience during and after congress. This property turns sexual activity into a superb stress reliever and a highly effective agent for falling asleep or for relaxation in general. According to one source, sex is about ten times more efficacious a tranquilliser than Valium![6] Although the oxytocin produced in the course of orgasm accounts for most of the anxiety-reducing and content­ment-elevating effects, climaxing is not necessarily a prerequisite for these to kick in, at least not for women. That should be good news for them since reaching an orgasm through intercourse is usually much more difficult than for a man. Rather, studies show that semen itself con­tains a number of hormones and other compounds (e.g., testosterone, estro­gen, prolactin, dopa­mine, norepinephrine, vasopressin, prostaglandins) that have poten­tial mood-altering cha­rac­teristics. After entering a woman’s bloodstream through the vaginal walls, these chemi­cals can then unfold their curing functions, ranging from stress relief, through the reinforce­ment of happiness and the improvement of energy, focus and motivation down to the crea­tion of feelings of deep attachment.[7],[8]

Regrettably, sex does not only have benefits. Given the natural character of this activity, it is difficult to speak of it in terms of costs. Other than physical energy and the money paid for protection, lovers do not really have to “spend” anything when enjoying their time together this way. That being said, there are downsides to intercourse, which should rather be regar­ded as risks rather than as costs. First and foremost, a woman always faces the possibility of getting pregnant. If she does not want the baby, she has to find a way to free herself from the burden. Many solutions to this “problem” can have profound consequences on both her physical and emotional well-being as well as on other aspects of her existence (including her repu­tation, career, lifestyle, etc.). Then, by sleeping with someone, we expose ourselves to the other’s illnesses, in particular, his or her sexually transmitted diseases (HIV, genital her­pes, gonorrhoea, syphilis, human papillomavirus / HPV, among countless others). Bar­rier devices such as condoms, dental dams, or gloves can significantly reduce the risk of infection. Nevertheless, one should be aware that no protective device or technique is ever entirely safe and that some peril always remains. From there on, it is merely a mathematical truth that the more sexual partners a person has, the higher the probability of contracting an STD.



[1]    Diamond (1998), p. 69

[2]    Kearns (2008), p. 223

[3]    Vartan (2012)

[4]    Hatfield (2014)

[5]    See chapters 28 “Pluck flowers as they bloom; wait and you’ll have only the twigs”, 30 “You can’t help shoots grow by pulling them up higher”, and 32 “Hearing something one hundred times is not as good as seeing it once”.

[6]    Pease / Pease (2009), p. 250

[7]    Meston / Buss (2009), pp. 252-253

[8]    Fisher (2010), pp. 219-220

Chapter 27: A deliberate inaction is better than a blind action

Look before you leap

yī dòng bù rú yí jìng

Chapter 25 (“A drop of sweat spent in a drill is a drop of blood saved in a battle”) empha­sises the desirability of pre-material sex and the importance of testing out a lover before tying the knot. One of the key arguments posits that it is better to make mistakes with a sparring partner than with the soul mate one will spend his whole life with.[1] Many things can go wrong before, during and after a lovemaking session. Intercourse itself can be good, just as it can be bad. Similarly, it can be done well, or can be done badly. Based on this assump­tion, this chapter discusses the advantages and risks of sex. As we will explain in the paragraphs below, a number of rewards can be reaped from regular shtup. What is even more interesting, though, is to examine what kind of benefits await two people who sleep toge­ther for the first time. If everything works out well, and the decision turns out to be wise, they consolidate their love, experiencing new highs. Taking that same step while knowing that they are not ready can, on the contrary, have devastating consequences for their relationship, hurting both individuals and jeopardising the chance to turn it back into a “regular” friendship in the future. The proverb chosen here reflects the necessity for people to ponder the conse­quences before they act.[2] It points out the dilemma that new couples face when the question of becoming intimate emerges.

Some readers may wonder why I have to justify the pay-offs of coitus. After all, isn’t it a natu­ral imperative to mate as much as possible? Other than artificial inse­mi­nation, only intercourse allows us to procreate and to populate the earth with smaller, hopefully better, versions of ourselves. Without sex, none of us would be here in the first place, or more pedantically: Copulata parentibus ergo sum (my parents coupled, therefore I am). This is what living creatures are all programmed to do, including human beings. Furthermore, as Matt Ridley writes in The Red Queen, “the urge to have sex is in us because we are all descended from people who had an urge to have sex with each other; those that felt no urge left behind no descendants”.[3] This means that from a certain age onwards, we practically have no choice but to seek physical union and, coincidentally, sexual gratifi­cation. Expres­sed in a rather exaggerated fashion, we cannot not copulate.

In addition to reproduction, women in particular pair for a number of other reasons, for example, to give or receive love, to intensify the emotional convergence with their partner, to experience the confidence of being attractive or desired, to savour the sensations of arou­sal and orgasm, etc. Sex must offer obvious and immediate advantages, otherwise how else would it be possible to explain why so many females willingly go through the pain of child­birth?[4] Furthermore, sex can also be used with specific objectives or ulterior motives in mind. For instance, some women scheme and accept to sleep with someone in order to obtain resources, to keep a mate, or to get revenge. In other situations, women may feel compelled to bed someone, either because they have become the object of physical vio­lence or emotional manipulation, or simply out of feelings of duty or obligation. A variety of other factors can also play a role, such as curiosity, the wish to lose one’s virginity, to gain experience[5], or to heighten one’s self-esteem.[6] This last point is also crucial for men, given sexuality’s strong association with power and personal validation. When a man gets laid, he interprets this as a sign of appreciation and admiration from his partner, which in turn increases his self-confidence. The more attractive and desirable she is, the stronger this feeling of superiority over his rivals: She could have opted for a lot of other men, but she instead chose him. What a wonderful, exhilarating sensation![7]



[1]    See chapter 25 “A drop of sweat spent in a drill is a drop of blood saved in a battle”.

[2]    This saying is a citation from the Collections for Dear Ears, Volume 1 (贵耳集 卷上, guì ěr jí, juàn shàng) by Song dynasty scholar zhāng Duānyì (张端义).

[3]    Ridley (1993), p. 132

[4]    See chapters 17 “Finding a good job is nothing compared to finding a good husband” and 32 “Hearing something one hundred times is not as good as seeing it once”.

[5]    See chapter 25 “A drop of sweat spent in a drill is a drop of blood saved in a battle”.

[6]    Meston / Buss (2009), p. 236

[7]    Kramer / Dunaway (1990), p. 61

Chapter 26: A sly rabbit has three burrows – Part 3

Now that it has been established that physical and social qualities play a major role when women are contemplating short-term sexual relationships or infidelity,[1] the next question concerns what exactly they regard as attractive and therefore as genetically superior. As pointed out in the chapters about the definition of beauty[2] and importance of smell in mate selection,[3] body symmetry is one of the key traits in the assessment of a person’s sex appeal. The same remains true for the choice of extra-pair sexual partners. Since symmetry is supposed to be a heritable marker of fitness by signalling resistance to pathogens and environmental stress, this feature represents a fundamental indicator for the quality and health status of people. Furthermore, it is said that symmetrical men also tend to be larger in size, more muscular and vigorous than their less symmetrical peers.[4] Accordingly, it only seems reasonable that women would prefer such fellows for their carnal affairs – one of the central findings in Gangestad and Thornhill’s version of the Sweaty T-shirt Experi­ment.[5] Yet this is not even the most surprising aspect in adulterous sex selection. What may shock us is to know that women loosen their quality standards significantly when seeking brief encoun­ters. For instance, while they expect their husbands to be in the 61st percentile in terms of degree of education, the 47th percentile is enough for the fling. In line with the sexy son hypothesis, they reciprocally require their one-night stands to be in the 76th per­centile on sexiness (77th on physical attractiveness), but set the bar much lower for their hus­bands, with the 58th percentile (on sexiness), respectively the 54th percentile (on phy­sical attrac­tiveness).[6]

These results show one thing: Namely that men do not hold a monopoly on sexual objectifi­cation. For good reasons, women complain about men’s obsession with ladies’ phy­sical appea­­rance and sexual availability.[7] They feel treated as sexual objects, their bodies being much more important than their personalities or other capabilities, such as intellect, kind­ness, humour, etc. The sexy son hypothesis suggests that some females are not so differ­ent from those superficial machos, caring just as much about appearance and sexual grati­fi­cation. In their minds, lads only come in two categories: The hubs and the studs. This form of discrimination is evocative of the so-called Madonna-whore complex, which was descri­bed as a bias to see women as either saintlike virgins or impure pros­titutes.[8] Trans­posing this dichotomy to the female context, I would like to use the term “Casanova-hubby complex” to designate that same prejudice, i.e., when a woman regards men as either hus­bands (sought after for their resources) or lovers (sought after for their genes), but not both.

The previous paragraph sounds derogative towards all those females who opt for a two-timing strategy. Criticism is not the intent though. On the contrary, it should be good news to know that men and women are much more similar than one would think. Furthermore, promiscuous behaviour does not have to be morally reprehensible. Thinking about it, no harm is done if the couple is not married or does not plan on having children. In that case, if the cheated partner feels offended, it is more a question of jealousy (i.e., his problem) than of ethics. So what hurts the most is not always the fact that a loved one had intercourse with another man (or woman), but the storytelling that follows when the culprit is trying to erase the traces of her “misdemeanour”. No one likes to be taken for a ride. In this regard, lying and deception are much more reprehensible than sexual frivolity.

If one lesson has to be learned from this chapter, it is that Darwin’s “coy female” is no more than an anachronistic male fantasy.[9] Some ladies enjoy casual sex, sleeping with several handsome men – sometimes subsequently, sometimes simultaneously. Unconsciously, they do so because they wish to become pregnant with a genetically superior child, thus gaining a reproductive advantage. Nothing more natural than that. Thus, it is not only all right to be a slut, it is actually highly recommended to have casual sex. If not for herself, then at least for her baby. A woman does what she must – in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers, and pressures – and that is the basis of all human posterity.


Related proverbs and citations:


zhǎo gè ài wǒ de zuò lǎo gong, zhǎo gè wǒ ài de zuò qíng rén

A verse suggesting a woman marry the man who loves her, and to make the man she loves her lover.



[1]    Campbell (2002), p. 175

[2]    See chapter 15 “Flowers look different through different eyes”.

[3]    See chapter 16 “When you have musk, you will automatically have fragrance”.

[4]    Buss (2003), p. 236

[5]    Cited in: Buss (2003), pp. 236-237

[6]    Cited in: Buss (2000), pp. 163-164

[7]    Buss (2000), p. 163

[8]    See chapter 1 “Men are like mud, women are like water”.

[9]    Ryan / Jetha (2010), p. 266

Chapter 26: A sly rabbit has three burrows – Part 2

The notion of human sperm competition provides another reason why promiscuity makes sense from a reproductive standpoint. Defined as the “competition between sperm of two or more males for the fertilisation of an ova”[1], sperm competition results from the choice of a woman to have sex with several men. The “sperm war”[2] she sets in motion helps her ensure that the most successful sperm cell will prevail and that she will conceive a baby with the contestant with the strongest army (made of millions of eager spermatozoa) fighting on his behalf.[3] Since human seed can stay alive within the woman’s reproductive system for up to a week, the race can easily take several days. So if she has unprotected sex with more than one man within that time frame, she sets the stage for a battle of their gametes.[4] The victor (there can be only one) gets to fertilise her egg (the Prize), thus initiating her maternity (the Quickening). Given that the winner has to beat not only the spermatozoa of its own kind but also those of one or more external rivals, the genetic material it carries must be of supreme quality. In line with the slogan “competition is good for business”, a promiscuous woman does nothing else than creating more choice for her valuable ovum, thereby improving the chances to produce more viable offspring. In this context, notice that the concept of “sperm competition” is different from the “sperm retention” theory, which states that women have more “high sperm retention” orgasms with their affair partners than with their primary mate (as measured by the amount of semen churned out immediately after inter­course).[5] In addition, it appears that unfaithful women tend to time their sexual escapades with their lovers (that is, their orgasms) around ovulation, i.e., at that point of their menstrual cycle when they are the most fecund.[6] Whether or not the decision is deli­berate, these findings show that the wish for procreation can play an important role in adul­tery, and may also explain why ladies place particular importance on sexual gratification when electing their paramour.[7]

As previously observed, women are essentially attracted to men who can provide two types of benefits: Plenty of resources and good genes. Alas, one single man is not always able to fulfil both requirements at the same time, which are often regarded as contradictory (think about the hard working nerd who neglects his personal appearance, or about the beefcake who prefers to spend his time in the gym rather than studying). Even if such a prospective mate does exist, he could be a philanderer or a “bad boy” himself,[8] not willing to commit to the woman in question. Worse still, he might be so popular that he ignores her, or is not interested in her at all. In such a situation, she faces a classical Dads vs. Cads[9] trade-off: Should she try to get an average-looking, but responsible provider husband who will offer her food, shelter, care, and invest in her progeny? Although he is likely to be a good father and a loyal partner, it is possible that he will score lower on the “health” or “gene quality” scale. Or is she better off with the handsome, masculine-looking hunk that will pass his first-class genes to her babies? The risk here is that he could channel some of his assets and sexual energy toward other females and their children. One way to deal with this dilemma is by opting for a so-called dual mating strategy and try to enjoy the best of both worlds.[10] Under this scheme, a woman simply hooks up with several men: One who delivers the vital resources and with whom she is in an (officially) monogamous relation­ship; and a few other ones on the side who are in charge of impregnating her with healthy, fit and robust off­spring, while at the same time delighting her with orgasmic pleasures. By spreading her luck between various mates, she not only garners genes from someone she considers as geneti­cally superior but also makes sure that her successors will be safe, have enough to eat, as well as have a good education.[11] Such a plan can only work out if her cuckold husband does not find out, in which case he could withhold his support and even banish her and her bastards. In other words, the dual strategy always comes with a number of risks. Never­theless, if she is smart and cautious, she can probably get away with it.

Theoretical constructs such as the sexy son hypothesis[12] also support the proposition that women are by nature interested in sexual variety. Due to the relatively long gestation period of human babies, it is not as easy for females to disseminate their genes as it is for males, at least not immediately. However, they can achieve this goal indirectly, through their sons. In order to increase the viability and reproductive success of their future generations, they need to select one or more casual sex partners who can help them bear sons who themselves will have a high value on the mating market. For that purpose, what else could be more effective than a casual fling with a well-favoured bad boy?[13] According to the sexy son hypothesis, women who pick potential fathers for their genetic merits rather than their qualities as caregivers reap an evolutionary advantage.[14] While this logic runs against the assumption that women nominate partners based on their ability to gather resources and on their wil­lingness to make a long-term commit­ment,[15] let us clarify once more that what is being said here only applies to the selection of a lover (not of a husband).



[1]    Parker (1970)

[2]    Baker (1996)

[3]    Campbell (2002), p. 48

[4]    Buss (2000), pp. 171-172

[5]    See chapter 32 “Hearing something one hundred times is not as good as seeing it once”.

[6]    Ridley (1993), p. 225

[7]    Buss (2000), p. 173

[8]    See chapter 22 “Man not bad, woman won’t bed”.

[9]    Campbell (2002), p. 185

[10]  Meston / Buss (2009), p. 14

[11]  Titus / Fadal (2009), p. 64

[12]  See chapters 14 “Fair lady is what gentleman seeks” and 19 “If you plant melons, you get melons; if you plant beans, you get beans”.

[13]  Quirk (2006), p. 129

[14]  Cited in:

[15]  See chapters 17 “Finding a good job is nothing compared to finding a good husband” and 21 “You can’t lead the life of a whore and expect a chastity monument”.

Chapter 26: A sly rabbit has three burrows

Don't put all your eggs in one basket

jiǎo tù sān kū

The concept that men are inherently promiscuous, seeking copulation with numerous females, has already been discussed rather extensively throughout the book.[1] Women, in contrast, are often depicted as restrained, coy and conservative in terms of sensuality.[2] The fact that this does not necessarily have to be the case is also highlighted elsewhere. These chap­ters intro­duce and explain the notion that females seek and enjoy carnal pleasures, which do not always have to be connected with love and feelings. In other words, sex for fun is pos­sible also for women.[3] Moreover, it is established that their sex drive is gover­ned by various biolo­gical impulses, which themselves result from centuries of evolution and millions of inter­actions with the environment, specifically with males.[4] In a way, the following chapter complements those ones by shedding light on ladies’ wanton sides. As we are about to discover, some components in their genetic programming compel women to be just as loose as men, and, contrary to expectations and common beliefs, to seek sexual rela­tion­ships with more than one partner.

Under certain circumstances, it can indeed be in a lady’s best interest to have casual sex. The proverb chosen here reflects the potential superiority of the multiple- over the single-mate strategy and the cleverness of those individuals pursuing it.[5] Based on the premise that in order to thrive, one must have several alternatives, this chapter examines the benefits of promiscuity. During the discourse, the emphasis will lie on biological aspects (for example, as related to sexual selection) rather than on rational ones (e.g., when a woman sleeps with a man in exchange for meals or gifts, or in the hope to lift her social status or obtain future invest­ments). As David Buss writes in Evolution of Desire, “[j]ust as men have the capacity for commitment as part of their strategic repertoire, women have the capacity for casual sex within theirs, and they, in fact, pursue casual sex when they perceive that it is to their advantage to do so.”[6] This indicates that there must be a number of psychological mecha­nisms that drive them away from the monogamous mindset of the single, permanent mate towards more temporary coupling behaviours.

The first benefit to be mentioned here is related to the quality of the genes that a woman hopes to secure for her offspring. Procreating with a number of men instead of just one increases the genetic diversity of her children. This allows her to “hedge” her own invest­ment across several possible options.[7] For example, if she has sex with four men (a smart one, an eloquent one, a muscular one, and a tall one – assuming, for illustration purposes, that these characteristics are mutually exclusive), she can reasonably expect to have four children, each possessing the same quality as their father, i.e., a smart child, an eloquent one, a muscular one, and a tall one. With this multiple-mate strategy, she has four chips instead of one in the survival game, which could come in handy in the event of major environmental changes. Who knows, maybe the muscular or tall children have a compa­rative advantage today. But what if a technological or social revolution comes in, altering the rules? At that time, her smart daughter or eloquent son might have better chances of success. Since women can only bear a child every nine months at most, it is extremely important for them to choose a partner who will protect and help raise their progeny.[8] This is only possible with a man who is faithful and generous with his resources and who has the ability to provide day-to-day care. At the same time, females need to take other factors into consideration if their babies are to land the best possible genes and to have a good chance of survival.[9]


[1]    See chapters 3 “Men like, women love”, 4 “Beauty is the troubled water that brings disasters”, and 35 “No cat can resist snatching fish”.

[2]    See chapters 2 “A good woman doesn’t go with a second man”, 9 “The path to a woman’s heart passes through her vagina”, and 30 “You can’t help shoots grow by pulling them up higher”.

[3]    See chapters 21 “You can’t lead the life of a whore and expect a chastity monument”, 22 “Man not bad, woman won’t bed”, and 25 “A drop of sweat spent in a drill is a drop of blood saved in a battle”.

[4]    See chapters 16 “When you have musk, you will automatically have fragrance”, 19 “If you plant melons, you get melons; if you plant beans, you get beans”, and 29 “Cosiness and satiety breed lust”.

[5]    Notice that despite the reference to rabbits (which, due to their reputation as prolific breeders, are often used as symbols of playful sexuality – see the Playboy logo) the original proverb does not contain any sexual connotation whatsoever. The story behind the saying, told in the chapter about the Strategies of Qi (齐策, qí cè) in Strategies of the Warring States (战国策, zhàn guó cè), has more to do with long-term political skills than with sexual conquest. The chronicle itself remains unclear as to why this animal, in particular, was chosen to represent ingenious tactics.

[6]    Buss (2003), pp. 215-216

[7]    Buss (2000), p. 19

[8]    See chapter 17 “Finding a good job is nothing compared to finding a good husband”.

[9]    Pease / Pease (2009), p. 111

Chapter 25: A drop of sweat spent in a drill is a drop of blood saved in a battle – Part 3

Another reason why men and women should have sex before marriage is that practice makes perfect. At a certain age, people should find out what is going on in terms of pro­creation. The arguably best way to be kept on top of things is through “learning by doing”. Like that, would-be brides and grooms avoid the humiliation of underperforming or even not knowing “how it works” on the big (wedding) night. If a man cares about someone, he should better find an opportunity to develop or polish his lovemaking skills with others before he put himself to the test with his dream girl. A variety of embarrassing events can occur during an act (involving, for example, strange noises, cramps, erectile dysfunctions, or other mishaps), so it is better to have been through these, to be prepared, and to know how to react before they occur when it really matters. Statistics show that sexuality is an impor­tant factor for the well-functioning of romantic partnerships. Like for everything else, cou­ples want this aspect to be handled carefully and respectfully, in order to make it work per­fectly.[1],[2]

In general, one can assume that the more experience someone has (both in terms of the number of partners and of coitus carried out in total), the better. Not only does it help to acquire confidence; versed lovers also have a deeper understanding of the opposite sex, which makes them easier to be around. Women also tend to be better kissers and are usually more accomplished in the bedroom.[3] Furthermore, science shows that, for females, the likeli­hood of attaining an orgasm increases with her sexual experience. No surprise here: The more opportunities she has to experiment and determine what she likes, what she dislikes, what helps her climax, etc., the easier it is for her to communicate her desires and to guide her darling.[4] This means that the couple as a whole benefits from such enhanced skills, even if only one of the two took the time (or liberty) to sharpen them. In other words, foo­ling around before marriage can, under certain circumstances, be regarded as a selfless ges­ture: Knowing that she risks damnation, she still chooses to go through a training process, all for the sake of the pair’s mutual well-being. That is what I call true love!

In addition, what was just mentioned for sex in general is also applicable to specific partners as well. The lack of sexual chemistry with a prospective boyfriend can definitely be a deal-breaker. Hence, intercourse offers a unique opportunity to assess how compatible or com­ple­mentary the two of them are, to find out, and to discuss their respective needs.[5] For instance, a woman can see how concerned her boyfriend is about her happiness and satis­faction, acquiring valuable cues about his flexibility, sensitivity, or tenderness. This infor­ma­tion, in turn, helps to improve visibility into the relationship’s chances of success and its long-term viability. Bearing in mind that sexual mismatch increases the chances of adul­tery and thus of divorce,[6] we conclude, once more, that pre-marital sex is not only good but also advisable.

Young people should, therefore, be encouraged to shop around in order to compare various options and spot the proper partner. “Make mistakes with Mr. Wrong, so that they do not happen with Mr. Right” – that should be the credo. Fortunately, young people have more opportunities than ever before, not least due to advancements in contraception. Modern society tolerates, sometimes even favours, individuals to make choices and decisions.[7] Out of respect for our past generations, who did not have that luxury, we ought to take some liberties and play as much as we can. Women, in particular, have a lot to win from this new freedom; but also to lose if they miss the chance to explore the possibilities. Whereas sex was only there to fulfil their husbands in the past, they can afford to expect much more from the same activity today. Instead of doing it for someone else, she does it for herself. She can finally look into and get pleasure from her sensual side, reconnecting with her femininity.[8]

After a long lecture about the benefits of pre-material sex, the chapter shall conclude with a word of advice. It may be true one cannot speak of a “relationship” as long as the couple has not slept together. After all, romance is indeed based on desire and sexual attraction. How­ever, this does not mean that any of the partners has the right to force or blackmail the other into coition. On no account should one of them accept to make love under threat (e.g., of breaking up) or in exchange for something else (e.g., marriage). Let us never fornicate out of fear. But let us never fear to fornicate.

Related proverbs and citations:


nǚrén bù sāo, nán rén bù yào

Men don’t like nice girls.

Body not tainted, woman not sainted. Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.


qiān jūn yì dé, yī jiāng nán qiú

It is easy to find a thousand soldiers, but hard to find a good general.


shú néng shēng qiǎo

Practice makes perfect.

Experience can give way to skill.


lù shì rén tà chū lái de

The road is made by people walking on it.

The road to success (or the solution to a problem) is found by engaging into uncharted territory.



[1]    Cited in: Meston / Buss (2009), p. 158

[2]    Kramer / Dunaway (1990), p. 20

[3]    Santagati (2007), p. 264

[4]    Meston / Buss (2009), pp. 158-161

[5]    Brown (2012)

[6]    Buss (2003), pp. 87-88

[7]    Pease / Pease (2009), p. 50

[8]    Gray (1995), p. 5

Chapter 25: A drop of sweat spent in a drill is a drop of blood saved in a battle – Part 2

This new openness, which is mainly the result of the sexual revolution that was initiated about 60 years ago, is reflected in a series of statistics. Various US surveys confirm that pre-teens and teens become sexually active at younger ages than their counterparts in previous generations. For instance, the proportion of women who lose their virginity to the man they are engaged to or marry dropped from 60 percent in the 1950s to 1 percent in the early 2000s.[1] In 1950, a woman’s “first time” happened when she was 20 years old on average; by 2000, i.e., fifty years later, the average age had fallen to 16. Then, the 1953 Kinsey report revealed that 40 percent of the female respondents had had pre-marital sex. According to a similar study carried out in 1994, 80 percent of the women examined were non-virgins before tying the knot.[2],[3] No equivalent figures are available for China or Japan, where vir­ginity still plays an important role in the eligibility of a poten­tial wife. However, the prevalence of hymen reconstruction surgeries (also known as hymenorrhaphy or hyme­no­plasty[4]) and the popularity of so-called “virginity restoration kits” there may be interpreted as evidence that pre-marital sex has become relatively common in these coun­tries as well.[5],[6]

Not only is getting sex out of wedlock more and more acceptable among women. Media and advertisements are also contributing to the promotion of sexual behaviour, making their tar­get audience (including children and teenagers) increasingly receptive to such dissolute indul­­­gence in sensual pleasure. The transition is now going so far that virginity has turned “from a virtue into a stigma that some people do not want to admit about themselves”.[7] Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but the choice of sexual abstinence before mar­riage as a lifestyle is just as respectable as regarding the loss of innocence as a virtue. No matter how strange or creepy virgins may appear nowadays, it is not fair to criticise or ridi­cule their vow. Doing so would represent that same injustice our ancestors committed at times when women with pre-marital sexual experience were condemned for being loose. Fur­ther­more, as the stress on the chastity is already a restriction on human nature in itself, they probably suffer a lot already. There is no point in rubbing salt in the wound.[8]

So what are the arguments speaking in favour of giving in to one’s own desires? First of all, it is a fundamental characteristic of humanity to seek knowledge. As the Greek philosopher Plato implies at the beginning of his Allegory of the Cave, what we perceive as true is actually false, as our imperfect interpretations of reality and goodness are controlled by other people. In the context of sexuality, the “puppeteers” are often parents, the clergy or mem­bers of older generations, who manipulate us into thinking that intercourse is unheal­thy, dirty or evil. Some of us will tend to accept their words as facts, while others will strive for enlightenment and search for the truth, trying out new things (e.g., novel forms of plea­sure, ideas for recreation). Those individuals who dare to break their chains become aware of the reality, discovering feelings, physical sensations, or mental states that they never thought existed. They are now free of illusions and continue their life sophis­tica­tedly.[9] As for virgins, all they know is that they know nothing (and no one).


[1]    Cited in: Pease / Pease (2009), p. 49

[2]    All studies cited in: Meston / Buss (2009), p. 147

[3]    Admittedly, the two studies may not be entirely comparable due to differences in sample size and constitution. However, the gap (40 vs. 80 percent) is large enough to suggest the growing incidence of pre-marital intercourse.

[4]    The purpose of this type of surgical procedure is to restore, repair or replace the hymen of a woman. The vaginal bleeding during the (real or alleged) first intercourse can serve as a proof of her chastity.

[5]    Buss (2003), p. 68

[6]    Lin (2010)

[7]    Rosen (2007), p. 18

[8]    “Which wound?”, virgins may correctly counter though.

[9]    Warning: The present interpretation of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave contains several flaws and should not be taken at face value. It is mentioned here for illustrative purposes only.

Chapter 25: A drop of sweat spent in a drill is a drop of blood saved in a battle

píng shí duō liú hàn, zhàn shí shǎo liú xuè

Previous chapters already brought up the problem of the demonisation of physical relation­ships.[1] Some readers may have noticed the author’s attempt to argue against such unfa­vourable opinions and instead to promote a progressive or open-minded attitude towards human sexuality. The tone of the upcoming paragraphs will be no different. This time, however, virginity and pre-marital intercourse will reside at the heart of the debate. On that note, the choice of the proverb could appear confusing, or for the very least surprising. At first view, there is apparently no connection between the wording and topics such as coitus, ero­ti­cism or luxuria. Taking one step back and thinking about the act itself, however, one will notice that blood and sweat are not that foreign to sex after all, especially when it concerns of the first experience of a young lady. Considering the discomfort she suffers during the process and the haemorrhage caused by the rupture of the hymen[2] – not to mention the emotional trouble she goes through when it turns out that her first “boyfriend” is a jerk and that their love will not last forever – it seems that good preparation can, as the adage suggests, have a number of benefits. At any rate, preliminary or explorative practice helps her cope with some of the difficulties she will, sooner or later, face in her future rela­tionships with men. Like for most aspects of life, experience raises young adults’ chan­ces of success in real situations.

Despite the controversial nature of the issue, the arguments raised here shall remain unba­lanced and unequivocally in favour of fornication. The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that lust, for lack of a better word, is good. Lust is right, lust works. Lust clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Lust, in all of its forms: Lust for life, for nookie, for love, carnal knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind. But lust, you mark my words, will not save couples, nor that malfunctioning institution called marriage.

Man is by nature a sexual animal. As Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha wrote in their 2010 book Sex at Dawn, “there’s no denying that we’re a species with a sweet tooth for sex”.[3] More than two hundred years before that, one of the characters in Pierre de Beau­marchais’ play The Marriage of Figaro (1778) already had observed that “drinking when not thirsty and making love all the time, […] is all that distinguishes us from other ani­mals.”[4] How right he was. In fact, no other creature on earth dedicates more of its dis­po­sable time on sex-related activities (e.g., thinking about, planning, having, or remem­bering them) than humans. We even out-bang the notoriously lascivious bonobo. Both spe­cies are the only ones for whom eros does not only represent a facilitator for pro­creation but is also emplo­yed as a means of cementing friendship or for recreational pur­poses. For them, non-reproductive coupling is the most natural or usual form of copulation. Other animals, on the contrary, pair quietly, less frequently, and strictly with the intention to produce offspring. In that sense, the practice of spontaneous, loud, or frivolous sex, which we often qualify as “ani­ma­listic”, is actually much more “human” (perhaps even more “humane”) than we think, whereas prudish, inhibited or boring people who rarely roll in the hay are the ones who in reality act like animals.[5]

Nothing in history, no writing, no religion, no philosophical doctrine, no technology, no social convention, etc. has had enough influence to dethrone us as the kings of ass. Never­theless, it is only recently that people have earned the right to say, “I am horny, and it’s fine this way”[6]. In the course of the last 60 years, many restrictions concerning sexuality were brought down. People saw themselves endowed with new unalienable rights, among them free love, promiscuity and the pursuit of horniness. Until a few decades ago, in some cul­tures still today, a woman’s social life was by and large confined to that of the family. Esca­ping from matrimony was practically not feasible and associated with several risks, such as marginalisation, des­ti­tu­tion, malnourishment, or even death. Nowadays, things are different, especially in Westerns countries. Bachelorettes can now decide not to get married, and wives to split up with their husbands. They are free to live out their desires, without worrying too much about the conse­quences of their lewdness. At the same time, caution should be exercised if a man insists on the virginity of his bride or wishes to delay the “first time” until the nuptials. It may indicate that he values the purity of her body more than her personality or feelings and that he considers her as a mere object that should not be spoiled – a view or requirement that is completely out-of-place at the beginning of the 21st century.


[1]    See chapters 2 “A good woman doesn’t go with a second man” and 4 “Beauty is the troubled water that brings disasters”.

[2]    From this perspective, the formulation “a drop of blood spent in a drill is a drop of sweat saved in a battle” sounds more accurate, but this is another question we shall not discuss any further here.

[3]    Ryan / Jetha (2010), p. 2

[4]    Original: “Boire sans soif et faire l’amour en tout temps, madame, il n’y a que ça qui nous distingue des autres bêtes.” (Act II, Scene 2)

[5]    Ryan / Jetha (2010), pp. 85-87

[6]    Or in German: “Ich bin geil, und das ist auch gut so.”

Chapter 24: You can’t catch a cub without entering the tiger’s den – Part 3

Discretion and style are also expected when it comes to sexuality. What was said just about self-confidence just above also holds for sexual assertiveness. Women like it. In fact, they require it. Not all of them may have the desire (or the heart) to go for a bad boy as des­cribed previously.[1] Nonetheless, sensual confidence is considered as a major turn-on by females, because it tells them that the guy knows what to do in order to please them and that they can, therefore, expect a good time with him.[2] Since a healthy attitude towards ero­ticism contri­butes to positioning a man as a promising boyfriend or husband, it is better for him not to hide his amorousness. No matter the topic – the weather, business, politics, lite­rature, nipple clamps, pap smears, etc. – a perfectly poised gent discusses each of these topics with the same composure and level of interest. This does not mean that he should start the conversation with explicit demands or statements about his state of arousal. Instead, his job is to simply hint that he is a sexual creature. He accepts his raciness as a part of life, she should do the same. There should be no room left for doubt about his virility and potency. He is a man. Like many of his fellows, he is crazy about sex. So what? There is no reason whatsoever to be ashamed of or to apologise for his lustfulness, given that it is in his animal nature to pursue bodily gratification.[3],[4]

By prudently announcing to women that they should get ready for some naughty action, the flirter states his intentions and his determination to consummate the passion for his dulcinea in the future: “I love my woman and I am willing to prove it to her”. This allows him, by the same token, to differentiate himself from other, more restrained, rivals who might prefer to conceal their lecherousness or feel guilty about it. All he needs to make sure is not to go too far in violating the social norms applicable. Notice also that devil-may-care irreverence towards prudish values (as advocated here) is not to be equated to miso­gynistic dis­respect­fulness, which, by all mean, remains unacceptable and should be avoided at all cost.

So far, the argumentation followed the scenario of a man soliciting a woman, which also corresponds to the traditional way of the world, namely that males seduce and females are seduced.[5] The predetermination of the man’s position in the human seduction process seems to be directly translated from his ancestors’ role in the past. As nature assigned him the duty of the family hunter, his drive to pursue is merely a reflection of the instinct he inhe­­rited from his forefathers. It certainly sounds rather unfair, sexist and degrading to systematically see women as the prey, but looking at the issue from a different angle, one could also say that they are the ones who finally get to make the decision. This privilege of the “chooser”, in turn, grants a lot of power to females, an idea that some men may not like or resist.[6] On any account, this division of labour is consistent with Darwin’s observation that in all species, males are made for chasing females, whereas the latter typically pick the winner among all their admirers.[7]

In these terms, evolution theory provides a realistic explanation why women still savour the moment when a suitor assumes the risk to move on her. Instead of waiting for her to gamble and do something to impress him, he should be the one to call the shots. Nowadays, many modern women are independent, self-confident, successful at work, enjoying a high socio-economic status. Nevertheless, even and perhaps especially these ladies want a partner who takes the reins, not only in courtship but also in everyday life. With such a man by their side, they can sit back and enjoy their womanhood. Such ladies are often forced to empha­sise their “male” sides (in particular in the context of business) and long for times in which they can relax and unfold their female side again. For the suitor (or husband, or boy­friend), it does not take too much to help her in this endeavour. Just be a man, that’s enough. Some­one who has ideas, plans, and who is willing to execute them. Someone to whom she can hand over part of her burdens and responsibilities, and who has the ability to make good choi­ces for both of them.[8]

The ideas put forward here should not prevent women from taking the initiative if they wish to. In fact, dating manuals and female magazines educate their readers that it is perfectly acceptable to ask men out. For good reasons, they claim that there are enough chaps who are delighted when a woman steps forward and get in touch with them by her. The reasons for their entrancement in such situations are straightforward: By being the first one to become active, she fools men into thinking that she is sexually available. With the expectation to have a much better chance of scoring, they become more confident and opti­mistic, and thus willing to enter into a proper conversation.[9] In that case, it also does not matter whether or not both of them finish the day in bed together. As long as they talk with each other, the exercise can already be considered a success. What happens next is writ­ten in another story.

Based on these premises, it is highly advisable for women to actively contribute to the exchange. They can do so by smoothly enticing male attention and prudently expressing their interest through a series of signals, which, for the rest, should not stay too elusive. After that, it is fine to wait for the man to take a leap of faith and to ask the lady for a date. The key advantage of this “soft leading” approach is that it allows to incite selected male targets only, while making them believe that they are the ones occupying the driver’s seat[10] – which, in the end, complies with the rules of tradition and at the same time reminds us of the unshakeable truth that “men control the world, but women control the men.”[11]


Related proverbs and citations:


wàn shì qǐ tóu nán

The first step in a thousand different matters is always difficult. The first step is always the hardest.

Starting a new endeavour is the hardest part of it.



yīn yè fèi shí

One cannot refuse to eat just because of the risk of choking.

You cannot avoid doing what is necessary just because there is a chance you could fail.



yī nián zāo shé yǎo, shí nián pà jǐng shéng

Once bitten by a snake, one is scared all his life at the mere sight of a rope.

Once bitten, twice shy. Decries those who are discouraged by their first failure and are afraid of trying again.



yī cháo bèi shé yăo, shí nián pà jǐng shéng

Once bitten by a snake, one is scared all his life at the mere sight of a rope (alternative version of the previous proverb).


男追女隔座山, 女追男隔层纱

nán zhuī nǚ gé zuò shān, nǚ zhuī nán gé céng shā

A man chasing after a woman is like overcoming a mountain; a woman chasing after a man is like cutting through gauze.

This proverb encourages women to be proactive and to take the initiative in flirting as it is much easier for them to catch a man than vice versa.



shǒu zhū dài tù

Guarding the tree awaiting a rabbit. Waiting for the rabbit to die in order to catch it.

Don’t live on hope. One must act instead of waiting to get things done.



yǎn lèi jiù bù liǎo huǒ

Tears cannot put out a fire.

Weakness will lead to nowhere.



qiān lǐ zhī xíng shǐ yú zú xià

A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

The highest eminence is to be gained step by step. Success does not come from nothing; instead, it comes from concrete hard work.



kōng tán shāo bù hǎo fàn cài

Talk does not cook rice.

All talk and no action. All bark and no bite. All foam, no beer. All icing, no cake.

Speaking, promising, or boasting much, but doing little.



[1]    See chapter 22 “Man not bad, woman won’t bed”.

[2]    Gray (1995), p. 46

[3]    See chapters 3 “Men like, women love” and 4 “Beauty is the troubled water that brings disasters”.

[4]    Satana (2007), pp. 19-21

[5]    Ridley (1993), p. 135

[6]    Buss (2003), p. 3

[7]    Brizendine (2006), p. 59

[8]    Fischer (2008), pp. 85-86

[9]    Fox (2014)

[10]  Fox (2004), p. 10

[11]  Argov (2002), p. 88

Chapter 24: You can’t catch a cub without entering the tiger’s den – Part 2

It is therefore not surprising to see a man become tongue-tied when facing a woman he nur­tures special feelings or hopes for. Yet this does not necessarily have to constitute a handi­cap. On the contrary, women are used to males not knowing what to say in their presence and interpret this as a sign that he is interested. They may feel flattered to find out that someone is willing to take a risk and to conquer his timidity. Not only does it let him look cute or charming, it also indicates how much he cares about her. This is a great compliment he can make to a lady, bearing in mind that they would never have spoken before. It means that he must be genuinely curious and that he wishes to learn more about her.[1] What fema­les appreciate and expect in a man is that he is brave enough to break the ice. As a wise man might have said: Fear of a dame increases fear of the fling itself. Yet there is no room for fear in courtship, nor in mating. If a man does not have the guts to accost a woman although she can sense that he wants to, she will inevitably think of him as a wimp and walk away. No second chance. Likewise, employing a delaying tactic is seldom workable, as women generally have an aversion for cunctators (mind the spel­ling!). Postponing one’s move for too long can cause them to lose their patience and to nip their passion in the bud. Inversely, sending them the right signal at the right time can trigger in them feelings of physical attraction. In the words of John Gray, “many of the traditional dating rituals bet­ween men and women are really just opportunities for a woman to assess her feelings for a man.”[2] This is usually all she needs. No one says that he has to enter into a long con­versation, take her out, or invite her for dinner right after the first contact in order to be a real man. Little things such as addressing her, opening the door for her, praising her, slightly touching her, etc. are enough to raise her attention and pave the way for future interaction.

Regardless of a man’s shyness or clumsiness in front of her, she will still accept him as a potential mate as long as he is confident enough. In the words of French revolutionary Georges Danton, “we need audacity, and yet more audacity, and always audacity!”[3]. Although he probably had war and politics in mind when he summoned his fellows to be more daring, the advice is nonetheless applicable in the context of dalliance and seduction. If a man is daring enough to speak to a woman, he probably also has the courage and assu­rance to tackle the other challenges in life. As women are pulled to men with high socio-economic status and charisma[4], it seems natural that they also prefer individuals who are bold yet cool, i.e., those who shows clear signs of domi­nance.[5] Hence, the best way to stand out is to look confident – not confident in the sense of “so confident, it can’t be real”, but positive about his own strengths, appearance, person­ality, objectives, orientations, etc. In this connection, a carefree stance and the display of bravado can be helpful, if it is employed in a moderate fashion. What gentleman and sophisticated lady’s man should abstain from is any form of self-praise. A truly dominant, confident, masculine man does not need to brag in order to be seen as a potential lover or mate. Such showing-off signifies nothing else but inse­­curity and disappointment about one’s own (inferior) position in the group. More often than not, such behaviour is induced by an unconscious psychological mechanism meant to compensate for a self-perceived inferiority.[6] Further­more, since the strategy to fake confi­dence has been used and overused in the past, most human beings, especially women, are now able to easily identify pretenders.[7] Another problem with overly aggressive boasting, ostentation, or conceit is that this type of behaviour is associated with the wooing of casual sex partners rather than wives.[8] In other words, if a bachelor is seeking a permanent mate, he should better be discreet about his own achievements and status. Ultimately, his sex appeal emerges from how others see him, not from what he says about himself.



[1]    Gray (2009), p. 201

[2]    Ibid., pp. 160-161

[3]    Original: “De l’audace, encore de l’audace, toujours de l’audace” (sometimes also translated as “We must dare, dare again, always dare!”)

[4]    See chapters 17 “Finding a good job is nothing compared to finding a good husband” and 18 “A man of determination will surely succeed”.

[5]    Fisher (2010), p. 150

[6]    Satana (2007), p. 23

[7]    Pease / Pease (2009), p. 220

[8]    Buss (2003), p. 107